Often, you’ll discover forgotten cause-and-effect links between the past and present. As the cliché has it, we all stand on the shoulders of giants. You might just realize that you, too, were a giant. Take a deep breath, and start writing. Thank yourself for all the gifts the past you gave to the present you. Now take another deep breath. It’s time to talk about a new you – the future you.

This is the aspirational act, the act of bridging the gap between our old selves who had an intention and our new selves who are realizing that intention. Callard’s conclusion is that this journey is one of the keys to fulfillment. Why? Well, let’s compare aspiration to ambition.

Endlessly pursuing such shifting goals, the Buddha thought, turns us into “hungry ghosts.” We’re ravenous, but nothing fills – or fulfills – us. That’s a paradoxical, futile, and miserable way to live.

The words left on your list should give you a good idea of your defining qualities. The qualities which influence both what you aspire to and whether you’ll be willing to earn that aspiration. If you’re feeling brave, show this list to the person who knows you best. Do they agree, or have you skirted the truth? Remember, this exercise is only helpful if you’re honest with yourself.  If you’ve been honest, you’ll now have a strong sense of what kind of aspirations will work for you. This is your blueprint for an earned life.

But lots of dichotomies in everyday life resist integration. We tend to be optimists or pessimists, joiners or loners. We can’t be both – we have to pick one or the other. This brings us to the aspiration process: Which side of those dichotomies should you choose? Unless you want to completely flip your personality, your best bet is to tailor your aspirations to your personality – to the bundle of preferences, quirks, and virtues that make you who you are.

Your next task is to write a letter from the present to that future self. To the person you will be next year, or in 5, 10, or 20 years. This letter is about showing your future self that you’re not content to remain as you are right now. That you’re investing in who you will become.

So here’s an exercise that will help you do just that.  The first step is simple: write down as many interesting dichotomies as you can think of. To get you started, here are some common ones that crop up in life. Are you a glass-half-full or a glass-half-empty kind of person? Conservative or progressive? Trusting or suspicious? Do you value reason or feeling more? Does money matter or not? Are you quiet or loud? A people pleaser or a go-it-alone type? Ironic or sincere? Do you prefer instant or delayed gratification? Do you confront problems or avoid them?

So what investments are you making in your future? You’ll want to think about big, obvious things like your career – but don’t restrict yourself to what seems obvious. Knowledge, skills, relationships, and health matter, too. Maybe you’re meditating because it clears your mind. Or cooking because it’s a great creative outlet. Or maybe you’re making an effort to meet new people. Whatever it is, get it down on paper. Focus your mind on the efforts you’re making today that’ll bring you and the people you love the greatest return in the future.

Buddhist paradigm can help everyone, Buddhist and non-Buddhist alike, to think more clearly about what it means to lead a fulfilling life.  That’s because so many of us are trapped in what he calls the Western paradigm – a view of the world which denies impermanence. The view that says you’ll always be the same person, no matter what happens. That imagines there’s a single answer to all the questions that gnaw at you. That implies there’s a path to permanent happiness – a path that solves all of life’s riddles.

You don’t have to be a Buddhist to profit fromBuddha’s wisdom 

Aspiration is different. To stick with Callard’s example, there’s no day on which we can tick the box and say that we’ve achieved the goal of being parents. To be a parent is an act of constantly becoming a parent – of rising to new challenges, accepting new setbacks, and responding to new phases. That, Callard thinks, is why aspiration is fulfilling. It roots us in the present and aligns us with the reality of impermanence. It makes us realize that we become a new person with each breath.

Your achievements, your good reputation, the reciprocated love of the people you love – everything is impermanent. All of it can fade. Such things, then, aren’t “possessions.” You can’t lock them up for safekeeping. You can’t take them to the bank. You can’t invest them and live off the interest. They have to be re-earned. Constantly. Every day, every hour, and perhaps even with every breath. And that, really, is the most important takeaway here: there’s no point at which we finish earning our lives. Not until the moment we stop breathing.

Now go through your list and cross out every dichotomy that doesn’t apply to your personality or play a role in your life. What’s left? The final step of the exercise is to go over the remaining dichotomies and cross out the side of the pairing that doesn’t apply. For example, if the leader-versus-follower dichotomy is an important part of your life, decide which side of the equation fits you.

Ambition gives us goals to achieve: a promotion to strive for, a marathon to run, a competition to win. Achieving those goals makes us happy – for a while, anyway. But we can’t put that sense of triumph in a display case like a trophy. Soon, it fades and disappears. Like hungry ghosts, we’re soon off looking for the next meal – the thing that will bring us lasting happiness.

What lies between the present (the person you are now) and the future (the person you wish to become)? What bridges the gap between those selves? How, in other words, does change happen? Those are pretty philosophical questions, so let’s ask the American philosopher Agnes Callard for some help. Her answer is that aspiration drives that transformation. Let’s break this down. There’s no hard stop at which one phase of life ends and another begins. You don’t become a new person on any single day. It's a gradual and long process.

Aspiration is more fulfilling than ambition.

The Western paradigm, in short, promises that you’ll be happy when well, what? In the end, you can’t escape the reality of impermanence. The goal posts keep shifting. That dream house could be bigger. Or smaller. Or closer to your grandkids. The promotion you hoped for doesn’t bring you the status you crave; the pay raise you fought for only makes you realize what money can’t buy. There’s always another goal – the next big thing that’ll really make you happy.

Don’t stop there, though. This is where things get interesting.  What would you do all day in this place? Can you find fulfilling work? Will that work support your ideal lifestyle? Would the people you love be happy if you moved there? Is it somewhere you can raise a family? Is it somewhere you can meet inspiring people? Does it matter if you can’t? Once you start fleshing out the details, you’ll see a picture of your real priorities and desires emerging – of what you really want and how closely your current life resembles that ideal. That’s clarity.

Basic questions can elicit profound answers.

To focus on the present doesn’t mean forgetting the past; you’re not throwing every trace of the past down the memory hole. What it’s really about is learning to recognize that there’s a distinction between your past and present selves. That the paths you chose in the past don’t dictate which paths you choose to travel today. So let’s honor the past you – and then move on.

Pay homage to the past you, but don’t rest on old achievements.

Dichotomy resolution is the part of product design that resolves either/or quandaries. For example, should a new car (or vacuum cleaner or coffee maker) be modern or classic, small or functional, a standalone or part of a series? Sometimes, dichotomies aren’t necessarily contradictions: you can reproduce a classic design with modern materials, thus resolving the tension.

Resolving dichotomies can help you choose realistic aspirations.

A very clear idea of earning your own life. 

NEW YORK TIMES BESTSELLER • Discover the steps to earning your path to fulfillment and living without regrets—from the world-renowned executive coach and New York Times bestselling author of Triggers and What Got You Here Won't Get You There ONE OF SUMMER’S BEST BUSINESS BOOKS: Inc., Society for Human Resource Management • “My life changed for the better when I started working with Marshall Goldsmith. The Earned Life is a wonderful book.”—Dr. Jim Yong Kim, served as president of the World Bank “We are living an earned life when the choices, risks, and effort we make in each moment align with an overarching purpose in our lives, regardless of the eventual outcome.” That’s the definition of an earned life. But for many of us, that pesky final phrase is a stumbling block: “regardless of the eventual outcome.” Not being attached to the outcome goes against everything we’re taught about achievement and fulfillment in modern society. But now, in his most personal and powerful work to date, world-renowned leadership coach Marshall Goldsmith offers a dazzling but simple approach that accommodates both our persistent need for achievement and the inescapable “stuff happens” unfairness of life. Taking inspiration from Buddhism, Goldsmith reveals that the key to living the earned life, unbound by regret, requires committing to a habit of earning and, crucially, connecting that habit to something greater than the isolated achievements of careerism. By grounding our achievements in a higher aspiration, he shows, we can avoid the easy temptation to wallow in regret. Goldsmith implores readers to avoid the Great Western Disease of “I’ll be happy when. . . .” He offers practical advice and exercises aimed at helping us shed the obstacles, especially the failures of imagination, that prevent us from creating our own fulfilling lives. With this book as their guide, readers can close the gap between what they plan to achieve and what they actually get done—and avoid the trap of existential regret, the kind that reroutes destinies and persecutes our memories. Packed with illuminating stories from Goldsmith’s legendary career as a coach to some of the world’s highest-achieving leaders as well as reflections on his own experiences, The Earned Life is a road map for ambitious people seeking a higher purpose. “Marshall Goldsmith is a wonderful coach, educator, and author.”—Albert Bourla, CEO, Pfizer

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NEW YORK TIMES BESTSELLER • Discover the steps to earning your path to fulfillment and living without regrets—from the world-renowned executive coach and New York Times bestselling author of Triggers and What Got You Here Won't Get You There ONE OF SUMMER’S BEST BUSINESS BOOKS: Inc., Society for Human Resource Management • “My life changed for the better when I started working with Marshall Goldsmith. The Earned Life is a wonderful book.”—Dr. Jim Yong Kim, served as president of the World Bank “We are living an earned life when the choices, risks, and effort we make in each moment align with an overarching purpose in our lives, regardless of the eventual outcome.” That’s the definition of an earned life. But for many of us, that pesky final phrase is a stumbling block: “regardless of the eventual outcome.” Not being attached to the outcome goes against everything we’re taught about achievement and fulfillment in modern society. But now, in his most personal and powerful work to date, world-renowned leadership coach Marshall Goldsmith offers a dazzling but simple approach that accommodates both our persistent need for achievement and the inescapable “stuff happens” unfairness of life. Taking inspiration from Buddhism, Goldsmith reveals that the key to living the earned life, unbound by regret, requires committing to a habit of earning and, crucially, connecting that habit to something greater than the isolated achievements of careerism. By grounding our achievements in a higher aspiration, he shows, we can avoid the easy temptation to wallow in regret. Goldsmith implores readers to avoid the Great Western Disease of “I’ll be happy when. . . .” He offers practical advice and exercises aimed at helping us shed the obstacles, especially the failures of imagination, that prevent us from creating our own fulfilling lives. With this book as their guide, readers can close the gap between what they plan to achieve and what they actually get done—and avoid the trap of existential regret, the kind that reroutes destinies and persecutes our memories. Packed with illuminating stories from Goldsmith’s legendary career as a coach to some of the world’s highest-achieving leaders as well as reflections on his own experiences, The Earned Life is a road map for ambitious people seeking a higher purpose. “Marshall Goldsmith is a wonderful coach, educator, and author.”—Albert Bourla, CEO, Pfizer

Marshall Goldsmith is an accomplished writer whose work has resonated with readers around the world. Marshall Goldsmith has published several books that explore a range of topics, from fiction to nonfiction, and has received critical acclaim for the ability to weave compelling narratives. Marshall Goldsmith's writing style is known for its depth and authenticity, and has earned quite a loyal following of readers.

Marshall Goldsmith

Mark Reiter is an accomplished writer whose work has resonated with readers around the world. Mark Reiter has published several books that explore a range of topics, from fiction to nonfiction, and has received critical acclaim for the ability to weave compelling narratives. Mark Reiter's writing style is known for its depth and authenticity, and has earned quite a loyal following of readers.

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Helping Your Future Self

12. Stay positive